In a little over a week Doctor Who starts again – which makes me one very happy fangirl
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Worst feeling in the world is when you are typing along, pouring your heart out on the page, and somehow you lose the document. That can really piss a person off, sigh! So the only bit I can remember from my previous post that is now gone forever is - The storm is no longer buffeting me about topsy-turvy, and I’m finally getting a handle on all the stuff surrounding the Dragon being sick. We are finding out what works and what doesn’t and doing our best to implement them into our lives. Not having health insurance, and having someone sick with a progressively terminal illness makes for an interesting time of it. It’s definitely making he and I more aware of certain aspects of our lifestyle and how unhealthy they are, and we are working to change that. That takes time, as anything good for you does, and so while we work towards that goal- we still move forward as always just at a different pace, a more mellow one. The most interesting aspect of his emphysema, and the rheumatoid arthritis, is the manner in which it has slowed our lives down, and given us time to think and contemplate our next move. My educational goals are one of the items that are being put on the slow track. It is the only way to still go, and not drop out, or worse yet flunk out due to being stretched too thin. I am taking it all one day at a time and a slow day at that- I am not competitive and when put in a situation, as academics can sometimes be, I tend to freeze up or freak out. I have managed pretty well this whole time, but lately I have felt it cracking. So I analyzed the situation and decided that I had to slow down. This is not a bad thing; it is the thing that must be done. I think we allow the competitive nature of sports to bleed over in to far too many other areas in our lives. So slowing it down and being mellow – that is my plan. Perhaps this will give me more time to write here, who knows.
Red
I’m realizing that, while I am open to the acquiring of knowledge, that which I seek is not found in these school books, but alongside that academic learning. There is still much within me to uncover. The first lesson is not “know thyself”, but “love thyself”, for only through the latter can you truly accomplish the former. That then is the lesson to learn- how to love myself. It won’t be easy, and I know there is much I have filled my head and heart with that is pure crap on this subject- for far too long I have allowed outside influence to color my perceptions but no more. I read a blog post the other day that really spoke to me about all this, and I think is part of the catalyst to this epiphany.There is a picture about half way down and under it are the words ” write Love on your belly”. I do not yet love myself. I am still allowing harmful and shaming ideas to play out daily in my head. I have so many stereotypes that I feel apply to me and I need to stop. I need to write love on my belly daily and mean it- until it becomes second nature and my first thought. Here I am at forty still struggling with this issue. School has only been in for two weeks and I am already finding dark circles under my eyes. Insomnia seems to be the rule for the day… It seems every semester there is some outside thing that tries to push me away from all this, and I have to work really hard to stay. I’m amused that all the money issues, health problems, family troubles and such didn’t do it that Eris has now resorted to making the chaos internal, and I refuse to let it happen! So it is on
I’m posting this from my smart phone, and let me tell you-the future is here! Lol, lol, lol Tomorrow morning school starts back up, and I would be lying if I said I was ready for it. This past summer was not the three months of rest and relaxation I had imagined I would be having; instead it seemed to be fraught with tension. I wish it could be easier having his two sons living with us, but it’s not. Add to that the input, asked for or not, from everyone around us with an opinion on what we should be doing, and how we should be acting, and you have recipe for exploding redheads. I’m tired, not in a physical sense but emotionally wiped out. I am holding so much in anymore, and it is eating away at me. I can’t seem to find time for me, just me, anymore. If it’s not everyone in the house, its all the people who come over, who have decided they can tell me how to live my life, and what choices to make. If this continues on for much longer, there will be an explosion, and I am not sure what the fall out from it will be- It seems Eris has a wicked sense of humor. I tell myself I am finally comfortable and OK with my life. Then along comes a situation that shows me just how wrong I was. I am still fighting old jealousies, and decisions. I know that how other people view me and the choices I make shouldn’t matter, but dammit sometimes they do. I feel like this has kicked me all the way back to near the beginning of this struggle. A struggle that I seem to be stuck in no matter what I do. As soon as I feel back on solid ground and ready to move forward this has to happen. Why are petty jealousies and situations from my past coming forth now to haunt me. I can no more fix them now then I could then, so I consider that perhaps Eris, the (p)matron Goddess of yours truly, has decided that these are situations that I must deal with and do it now, dammit! I need to keep processing through all the crap I’ve gotten over the years from my mom, and my family. I think once I can look at it all a bit more objectively then the better off I will be, but it’s not an easy task to accomplish at all.So this is where I am at- either I allow their actions to continue to color how I view my life, and my own self esteem, or once and for all I state ENOUGH! I really hope if I choose the latter of these two options that I am strong enough to follow through. Looking at the pictures of my future sister in laws bridal shower hurt. All of the female members of my family were there, but me. OUCH! If I were to confront them about this though, they would have a good and plausible answer for why I wasn’t invited. After a while all the reasons start to sound the same and sound false at that. So I need to just let it go, walk away from them and towards people who want me in their lives. I need to remind myself that there are people out there who want to spend time with and love me. When I am down about the lack of familial connection I just need to look at the Dragon and his two sons that live with us. I need to remember the Honey Bee and the Hobag. I need to hold firm to all my memories old and yet to be made with all these people, and with those members of E’light still among us. I need to remind myself again that family is not in a last name, or a blood line or anything like that. Family is what you make it, so make it the best you can. Don’t settle for what you are given, for more than likely you can and would do better in making your own family if the one given at birth doesn’t work out. There is my stress then, Family and the wounds they cause. I know I am not the only one out there fighting this battle. It is not a losing battle though, so my advice to anyone who feels the way I do, is not to give up, persevere for there is always another way to the answer, the goal, the prize. Just don’t give up. Here I am again. Ya’ know this could be turning into a habit. I don’t want to jinx it though, so that’s all I’m saying about that. How is it at 40 I’m starting to finally feel at peace with myself. I’m finally starting to feel OK. I think the self hate is slowly draining out my fingertips, and going away. There is still a lot a wish I could change about myself, but I’m holding all of that at a healthy level, I think, for the most part, finally. I can’t lie and say some days society and all its ills don’t totally get me down. I still can and do get depressed about stuff, but I also acknowledge it and am attempting to deal with it honestly and with maturity. I still wish I was smaller, not so pale, and not so prone to acne, oh and gas. Since we are being honest here- might as well spill all the beans. No pun intended, indeed. So here’s to starting to be ok in my skin, great to finally be here. So then do I mourn and pout that it took me so long to get here? No! What I’m doing now is recognizing the journey for a learning lesson, and seeing how some of those lessons learned apply to the greater world and my place in it. I am a part of all of this and as much as anything has purpose in this universe, so do I. I am here to fulfill so many roles still, as I have filled so many already. I have been and will continue to be friend, teacher, lover, companion, listener, speaker, catalyst, spinner of tales both true and fantastical, supporter, sister, and now even mother. All these roles I embrace with every bit of this body, this over-sized form that is here to take on all this and more, for I can. I am not small nor weak, I am larger than life and abundant in what I have to offer. That is my role, and it does not then reflect badly on those who might be smaller or weaker, for that is not their role to play-they have another. I think that is one of the big life lessons this time around the wheel- I am learning that everyone, every last stinking one of us, even all those I refer to as sheeple, are living a life of different roles, to choose or deny. While there will always be overlap we are all solely responsible for the choices we make. Others can and do affect these choices, but only as far as we choose to let them. I chose to allow my family to mess up my head about how I looked and it took me all this time to straighten my shit out. That’s not right, but I can’t fully blame them. There came a point where I had to let go of the crap they did to me, and still do. I had to just disconnect from caring about their actions. I can and do love them still, but I refuse to play my life by their choices. It’s my life so it should be my choices. The issue then would be do I make the selfish choices that only benefit me, or do I look at those around me who would be adversely affected by my actions and consider them as well. To truly be on the path of human dignity and respect I would and strive to make choices that are the best for everyone. It’s not always easy, and it’s hella painful sometimes. In the long run though it’s the thing to do. I maintain that if more people saw life this way we would have a more peaceful planet. Even if it a unique and individualized life, it still has to rub elbows with the rest, we all live on this one small planet, and really do need to do better at getting along. I think it starts with first though being able to get along and liking yourself. Here I am at 40 finally breaking through that epiphany. I hope it doesn’t take as long for those coming after me, Damn. Red To quote the Thin White Duke ” time may change me, but I can’t trace time” . I wonder when all these changes came about, but know I can’t really trace a time line back to when it all began. I grew up knowing there would never be anyone for me. According to my family I was too fat, ugly and stupid for anyone to fall in love with, yet there is now the Dragon. I never wanted children, and have always said as much. Currently both of the Dragon’s sons are living with us, and at some point I took on the mantle of step-mom, and oddly enough I am fully enjoying it. The life I envisioned for myself when I was a bitter, lonely teen hating my home life, my family, and myself, is nothing like the life I have now. For all the dark, bleak, and cold futures I had planned so perfectly in that deeply depressed state, I am surrounded by light, laughter, and joy. So I guess I want to know what happened and when? When did it all become ok? When did it all finally mesh?Why do so many surround me and profess a love and friendship that I had always been told was never to be mine? Why do I have such friends if everything I was told about myself growing up was true? Perhaps it wasn’t then. Perhaps I am meant to be happy and be living this life I live. Perhaps I needed to finally shake off the chains of familial guilt and doubt and allow myself to grow. If all this is true, then why do some still try and sabatoge that growth with their own petty insecurities, especially when they have what seems to be an undying need to rub their status and possessions in my face, and then get pissed when I don’t rise to the bait?Why do some around me want to belittle my happiness because it doesn’t come with a price tag, and material possessions? Why must I participate in their keeping up with the Jones, if I could give a fuck all about what the Jones do or don’t have? I am happy, right here, right now, with my life and all the good, bad, ugly, indifferent and down right painful in it. Which is how life should be, it can’t always be sipping Mai-Tai’s poolside-sometimes there is work involved, and that work is more often than not painful and messy work to do, but it is work to be done. I don’t know if this is a full on blog post, or more likely some random thoughts that I needed to get down, so they could ferment and become full lines of reasoning and theory about my life. Hmmm, perhaps I will just leave it at this-allow the work of fermentation to take place, allow the yeast among these ideas to rise, the gelatin to set, the paint to dry. Perhaps I’ll come back and visit these thoughts after they have danced around my brain and come to fruition, or something. Until then, then! Red |
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