A Red Headed Stepchild

I wish I could fix it…

Lilith — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 15:39:57 +0000

It seems we have more good days than bad, currently. I know that will not always be the case, so I relish what I am blessed with. It just frustrates the hell out of me when things happen that I can’t fix…I wish I could fix the Dragon’s pain. I wish he didn’t have to suffer, and hurt all the time. It pisses the hell out of me, and I feel helpless. I know there are certain things we can do to somewhat alleviate his ache, but nothing takes it away all together. It pisses me off to know he hurts all the time, and there is nothing I can do. Pisses me off to no END

2012 and all is well…so far.

Lilith — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 22:50:24 +0000

I need to mark this down- I was a complete slacker on yule this year, but I did give gifts, that I made myself, from ideas I came up with- this is huge in my life- absolutely epic. I also braved certain fears about connecting with people not stand in the way of my getting new amazing music, having a wonderfully fun evening with a former tutor, and reconnecting with old friends. I need to keep this steam up.
I have also taken on the idea of Healthy Eating at any Size-transforming it to Healthy living at any Size- basically the same thing, but I’m attempting to incorporate some healthful practice spiritually, and physically. I will be starting a yoga practice with the Dragon, and I have done quite a number on how we eat- anymore its meatless 60-70% of the time. That is a huge change from where we were a year ago. I no longer drink soda at work, and working on cutting down at home. I have a fruit. water, and spinach smoothie every morning, and I am working on no more eating out.
I want to get in the practice of putting the crock pot on before I go to bed. If I can get us eating home cooked meals every other day, adding in the leftovers factor- I think we can see a drop in eating out, and processed food snacks. It’s been slow but I am moving forward, and am pulling back from the big picture to look at today, just today, and maybe tomorrow. I need to reign in my focus, and be mindful of the here and the now.

It’s been a whirlwind

Lilith — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 14:40:51 +0000

I can’t believe this semester is over.

I can’t believe I made it relatively unscathed through another gauntlet of my own making. I really lost it emotionally about halfway through and I think I am still recovering from the after-affects of the meltdown. I have to finally admit I must stop doing so much. I’ve stepped down from the Writing center, and that hurt worse than I thought it would, but at the same time felt so good. I know it was the right decision at the right time. Maybe this was how it was supposed to be. I felt on edge in there so much this past semester, and that hurt. It hurt me and the relationships I’d been fostering there. Of course the WC itself had changed, as is in its nature to do, and it was becoming louder, more crowded, and definitely not the place I started in. I didn’t completely lose it, and embarrass my self in the WC, or anything that was saved for the cab of my truck in the parking lot. My, what those kids most of thought walking by the truck that day seeing this old woman wailing, thrashing, screaming and hearing the music pounding. Thank Goddess Security never came by, that would have been awkward. I was so jacked up on cold medicine that day; I was a totally a hot mess up in there…sigh. Not passing algebra, again, was not in the cards, but really that is small potatoes. I am so in the home stretch, and I feel the way I am setting things up for next semester I will succeed. I made it through the semester and everyone is still alive and speaking to me. I am relishing in the freedom for a few more days and then its to house stuffs.

Getting this place situated back the way I like before the spring semester starts, and it goes back to the control of the Dragon and his two whelps, is very important I realize. Good Goddess, they have such a different view of housekeeping and what makes a house a home. Of course first I have to stop socializing!! I saw my dear friend Wade who was in from LA a couple weeks ago. We went to the Imagine concert on Dec 8th, and then on the 9th Super Slacker supper club hosted Wade and his friend Naomi for dinner.

This reminds I really need to write up an explanation of supper club, it’s like fight club but with mock battles, robots, and good, good food. The theme for the evening was Chili, and electric cigar-box guitars.It was a fantastic night, and so much laughter took place Naomi told me the next day her stomach hurt. Now that is a successful night at supper club!

I was then lucky enough to spend the evening with my dear friends Kelley and Dave, also in from California visiting family for the holidays. The time I spent with them was so reaffirming to me, and I literally glowed after seeing them. We ended up toasting the Winter Solstice in with Whiskey, good beer, and kind smoke. What started out as meeting up for drinks out turned into a raucous all-nighter of laughter, stories, and just general good times at the house with the four of us going till 5 am… I have not drank, really, like that in a long time! So far, my break has been busy, and this week is no exception, but once the New Year hits I am cleaning house, getting geared up for the spring semester, and really striving to make 2012 about attaining the goals that are right there, just out of reach. Then the goals a bit farther back don’t look so daunting, do they?

One note I would post photo’s but Word Press is being an annoyance and won’t do what I tell it, so no photo’s ….sorry!

The things I can do

Lilith — Tue, 06 Dec 2011 23:19:08 +0000

Today I actually taught a class for a friend of mine who had to attend a funeral. I stood up and had a dialogue for close to an hour and a half about the Internet and cyber anthropology-my current driving force in school. I did all this without any assistance from the teacher or my own personal back up the Dragon. I did this without puking or feeling the fool when I walked out. I think I can do this thing cause you know what reader? It was fun!

Baa Baa Black sheep

Lilith — Wed, 30 Nov 2011 07:17:43 +0000

There are times today being one of them, where I think I get why my family never calls, and why I seem to shed friends like a bad sunburn finally peeling. I am critical sharp tongued overbearing and everything I never wanted to be. I am vicious and quick in my attacks even when they are misguided and to apologize when I am wrong is almost impossible. I can only surmise these are my methods of protection. Protecting the heart that is all too often on my sleeve protecting all the soft bits that seem to get shredded so quickly when I leave them unguarded.

I just don’t know when or how I became this person. When did I become the black sheep? I feel like I am the embarrassment the secret my family holds and doesn’t speak of…Goddess knows it’s when I feel like this I most want to just give up.

Then I think I can’t give up. I am the breadwinner and the one keeping a roof over our heads…that’s when I realize just how overwhelmed I am – I feel like I am drowning. There are days where breathing is next to impossible for me. I just need an escape and perhaps someone to talk to who actually listens and doesn’t immediately try and play “the four yorkshiremen” game with me. I get everyones life is difficult, but seriously give me some space to breathe to look at my issues to actually have a sounding board for what I am dealing with please? It seems almost impossible to find without paying someone to listen and we know the money isn’t there for that at all!

Sometimes all I want to do is run away…but the place I most want to be right now is where I would have to run away from…so it would solves nothing to do it right?

42

Lilith — Wed, 09 Nov 2011 06:14:30 +0000

Another year past-I’m another year older, but I’m not sure about wiser…even if this is the year of knowing I am the answer to life, the universe, and everything! if you don’t get that reference than you must find, and read Douglas Adam’s “Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy”!

It’s a liminal time of year..

Lilith — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 16:01:44 +0000

Samhain is here, and once again I am unprepared. I find the actual day to day work of witchery something I wish I could find time for- I need the solace and rhythm of a regular practice again, but life is far too hectic for that, currently.

Life has been far too hectic for any practice of any sort, and that seems to include an academic one. I have really dropped the ball there-and I will suffer the consequences and the cost of it in the not to distant future.
My main worry has been and will be the Dragon- we are heading into the winter with no prescription meds to speak of for either one of his conditions. That is the part that sucks the most. I watch him suffer daily in anguish and searing pain, I watch him struggle with breathing on even the most pleasant of days. I watch him get so angry at what his body is doing to him, and I hurt. I hurt because there is not one god damn thing I can do. I can just be here, and love him with all my heart. I know eventually we will have to seek out more drastic measures but for now we are getting by as best we can. We can handle the rheumatoid arthritis, for the most part, with dietary changes vitamins, and other supplements. It’s the emphysema that is the stressor…We will just have to take it one day at a time, and maybe with some of the changes I am making-dropping my hours at the Writing Center, and taking my last two classes on line- I can be home more. Cooking better meals, working on getting more physical activity in, and practicing on a daily basis my work as a witch. Maybe, but then the question is can we afford it?

It is what it is, I guess

Lilith — Mon, 24 Oct 2011 21:15:01 +0000

I keep thinking I am gonna sit here and write about anything else, but what is going on in my life, since it seems too depressing. I make these decisions then I never come here to write, because the only thing I can think to write about is what is going on currently in my life, even if it is depressing. I had to remind myself that ostensibly this is my journal/blog/whatthehellever it is, and I should use it as such…so if the topic of daily grind, living paycheck to paycheck, and dealing with a loved ones long term-terminal illness doesn’t sound like fun- then shuffle on to greener, funner pastures. I know that if I don’t start expressing some of the feelings, thoughts, emotions, etc over whats going on I may well explode, and who wants that, really?? It’s a mess to clean up, never comes out of the carpet, and is hell to explain to the authorities. So, as the title says…it is what it is.

Life in the shell…

Red — Wed, 03 Aug 2011 08:59:36 +0000

So it is still hotter than Hades here in these Ozark hills, and there seems to be no relief in sight. The heat makes it impossible to enjoy even the briefest part of the day for the Dragon, and I am not faring much better. This could be considered a theme for how my summer has been progressing. So much to do and no energy with which to do it…
In the twelve years the Dragon and I have been together we have weathered many a storm, but lately they have gone from being your garden variety storms to epic cataclysmic events that seem unstoppable. Yet, we keep surviving them. So there’s that I suppose, but I wonder what I am gonna do when it gets so overwhelming, and I just want to give up. I feel that teasing around the edges a bit, and am not sure how to respond. It seems that when I get that way everyone leaves, as if suddenly all the time they have needed my help is up, and when I need theirs I am lost. I know this isn’t truth, but it sure feels like it.

All I want is to finish this blasted semester, and finally frelling graduate-Damn you Algebra for holding me back. I want to be done with that part of my life, and move on towards what comes next. I know it will involve more schooling- I am not stupid enough to believe my AA is gonna be enough, but it proved I had the tenacity to stick it out. Even when things were at their worst I was still there slugging away at finishing. So, not a failure at that, which I know is disappointing to that group of people who have been waiting to watch me fail- so sorry to disappoint you all!

It seems like lately everything has been overwhelming to me, and I find myself referencing the Turtle to describe my state of mind/being – ie pulling into my shell, and hiding. I wonder if that is the next transition for my totems? The dragonfly will always be a part of me, as is the fox and the hawk, but it seems the turtle has much to teach me right now, and the best thing I should do is be quiet, listen, and learn. Sometimes this is easier said then done.

One thing I should take from the turtle showing up in my life is that he won the race by being slow and steady. I need to remember that as well. I cannot hurry things along, and hope for the best. I need to take my time, do things at my pace, and then I will succeed. I don’t need the hare’s of the world setting my pace for me. It is my path, and therefore my pace to set.

So I guess the next thing to do is get comfortable in this shell, as it feels like I am gonna be here for awhile.

It’s too Darn Hot

Red — Fri, 01 Jul 2011 16:40:23 +0000

As the banner can attest- July is coming in like a firestorm. We are under an extended heat advisory for the next few days, and you can definitely feel it outside. I’m just grateful it didn’t hit last weekend when the A/C unexpectedly crapped out on us. While last weekend was hellishly hot, and it was horrible to experience we made it, barely. This heat is not something the Dragon takes to well, and it really does a number on him. One more reason to make somewhere other then these hot and humid Ozarks hills our home.

Of course I have never fared well in this type of weather, and it seems every year to be hotter than before. Sometimes I wonder if all this pavement/asphalt/ etc clogging up Mother Nature’s pores is part of the reason… Who knows, all I can tell is she is overheating, and we are suffering because of it. I know I could handle the heat better if it wasn’t for all the humidity. UGH to it all, and a longing for the cool days of fall has already started, and it’s only July.