It’s been a long while since I’ve been to this page and shared my thoughts. So many things have been happening for and to the Dragon and I, it seems almost too much to write about. Yet, for some of it, I do need to share, get it off my chest and into the atmosphere so to speak. I want to write about the Dragon’s health and the fight we have going on there, except all my words are tinged with fear. Fear of the unknown, of what these diagnoses mean for the Dragon and I. So perhaps it would be best if I left that topic for a day when I have all my verbal ducks in a row, and I can, with confidence, discuss what is going on and what we are going to do. Right now the pattern is one of holding, or maintaining.
Everyone has told me I should be at least happy it isn’t something really bad, like cancer. Oh how I want to punch them all in the mouth when they say that, Phishmans emaciated body still very fresh in my mind these five years later. No, it’s not Cancer, but even still it is an evil plague that robs a man of his very breath, and well that is not really a way for anyone to live, now is it? Top it off with the Rheumatoid Arthritis and well there you have then, pain and agony, shortness of breath and issues with pretty much any activity. Hmm, perhaps I wasn’t as ready as I thought, to leave that subject alone.
I love him desperately, more than I ever thought possible. It scares me to think one day I will be alone, I know I will have my friends about me, but the only person I want is him. Sitting here at work right now, knowing he is at home in bed, makes me wish I was there as well. Curled up next to him, feeling the heat of him against my back, his breath stirring the hair from my shoulder, and his arm curled round my waist. That right there is the happiest place on earth for me right now. Anywhere he is, and I can be next to him, holding his hand or at least touching, well that is the cat’s meow!
Seems right now the only peaceful place in my house is when he and I are in bed together. Mind you this is not due to anything bad at all, it’s just that we currently have people living with us. We have both his youngest son and his ex-wife living there, thats right folks, I said ex-wife. I have been told by many people I am crazy to have done this, aren’t I worried that he will cheat on me? I don’t understand why they think that way. I have no reason to wonder what is going on when I am not there. I know that there is nothing happening, no matter how much these people would like me to think differently. Of course which then makes me wonder if they trust their own spouses. I know I trust mine.
Either way it’s just hard having other people around. My sleeping schedule is always off kilter as it is, having others in the house just makes it more so. I am doing what is right though, by helping her out and the man-child, I am doing what we all should. Helping in a time of need, when we can. She and I get along and I think we give the Dragon more torment then he ever imagined possible, but what did he expect with the ex wife and current wife together under one roof?
The step son though is another matter all together. I’m frustrated by his actions and am not sure what to attribute them to, is it his age? Or is it his actual lack of caring for anyone other than himself, which again can be attributed to his current age, of 20. He seems very giving most of the time, but there are points where he is one step away from me blasting him off the face of the planet for either not thinking, or having given it some thought, still proceeding with the most boneheaded ideas ever. I refuse to believe I was ever this way, even when I was 20 and a pain in my own mothers backside. He frustrates us all though, so in that I am not alone.
Still it’s not easy, between school, both jobs, and homework, I have such little time to spend with the Dragon, and I am selfish and what that time to myself, and for myself. I don’t like sharing, never have I guess in this sense. Throw into the mix the knowledge that this will more than likely be the last winter I have with my white wolf dog, Keyzer and I am saddened.
He has grown old, and I know his quality of life is diminishing. Soon I will have to make decisions regarding him, that I do not even want to think about, but choices that must be made none the less. Oh, that does hurt, ya know?
It’s currently Imbolc, the first of the Spring festivals, a time for renewal and rebirth. The ground outside is still covered under a nice white blanket of snow, but I can feel her stirring underneath, waking up and soon the first green shoots of new life will be visible. That is the note I wish to close on, the idea of rebirth and renewal. I am working on those concepts myself and they are worthy ones for everyone to examine. Take a look within, we all have something inside that we need to work on getting out. Renewing our purpose and giving that purpose a rebirth into action.
Blessed Be to all, especially all who read this far-