My thoughts seem to be of late on a fateful sex act that was committed back in 1969 < I am thinking sometime in late January, early February>. The result of which is My most decadent self.
Most people shudder at the idea of their parents having sex, I actually contemplate it alot wondering if it was an act of love or commerce that caused My conception.
Were they young and in love and not able to be together? In the paper work I have it says he was in the military. Of her a young woman just beginning to step out from her parents shadow. Or at least that is what the black and white print reads.
Was she in Love?
Did her parents not approve?
Were they star-crossed lovers separated by the ugliness in southeast Asia that would soon divide the county as well?
Did he end up in Vietnam?
Is his name on the wall?
Did he die there, never to return to American soil, never to know he had a daughter
Do I have birth siblings? A brother or sister somewhere who I can see myself in when we are face to face.
I have of course many questions for My birth mother but one stands out.
I am curious to know if she listened to early jazz while she was pregnant with Me.
The first time I heard Billie Holliday sing I instantly knew her and her voice seemed a whisper from My past.
Resonating in My soul as if it had always been there just waiting to be uncovered. I sometimes picture a young woman, scared and alone singing along to the sound of sorrow herself, Ms. Lady Day.
God bless the child who got his own
Was My mother sexual, a wanton woman of the late sixties, who was open to giving sexual favors to all the motorcyle rebels of her town. Or a scared young girl sent away in shame to rid herself of her stigma in so much legal paperwork and blood.
I was born in Kansas, Emporia to be exact. Not a big town in 1969 but there was a Teachers College.
Was My mother a student or just a local?
All these questions seem to haunt Me yearly; from the day of my birth till right after New Years.
I have more information now then I did five years ago I have a name-
Pamela Sue Stutzman who are you?