Once again I have let time pull away from me. She ensnares me in so many transitory situations that the long standing “must-do’s” are pushed to the side. Sometimes I wonder about how immersed I am in the world of two in which the Dragon and I live. I used to be an always out and about kind of girl, but in the past thirteen years it has been rather apparent to me that my favorite time of the day is any in which the Dragon and I are together. We don’t have to even be interacting, the just be in the same room and doing are own thing, and it makes me happy. I swore I wasn’t going to become one of those women who lives for her husband, and has no friends, but what do you do when your husband is also your best friend? Huh?
I love that he and I can still be as giddy as newlyweds, or as quiet and contemplative as an old married couple. This is the life I want to lead, and damn anyone who tells me I am wrong to love it so.
I have really been wanting to write about all things gratitudinal ( that is so a word!), but the fates, they be against me. For every day that I think Herne is getting better it looks like our fur pulling out kitteh, Jonjohn, is getting worse. He is gonna look like one of those hairless cats soon if he doesn’t stop. I know that we need to take him to the vet, but for that we need fundage. Fundage that is now going to be even harder to come by since the number #2 son has lost yet another job, sigh. In the past six or so years of his on and off living with us I have lost count of all the jobs he has had, and I am frustrated that he doesn’t seem to get the importance of getting one, and holding on to it. It seems he is content to sleep on the couch, and “borrowing” his dad or brothers computer for his online stuff. He seems to not want to apply himself towards making a place in this world with his name on it. I try and explain that this will get him nowhere, and that I should know, since I, in my misguided youth, followed a similar path. I was able to keep jobs, though, and had friends willing to help me out when I needed it, and ultimately I also had my family to fall back on, when it got really bad. That last part is all he has, but we don’t have as much money.
That, though, isn’t the worst thing that happened this weekend. A dear friends mother lost her battle with cancer, and has passed away. I hurt for my friend, and at the same time I am glad her mom is no longer in pain. This, of course. made me think of my own mom, and her fight with the same kind of cancer, and wonder how she is doing. I am still basically kept at arms length from her, and it does hurt. I saw a picture posted from my sister-in-laws baby shower that was this weekend, and mom was in attendance and looked really good. That made me happy, and yet, at the same time it brought up more feelings of low self worth, etc. My whole family dynamic just makes me head and heart hurt. Would it be too awful bad for me to say that sometimes I wish I had never tried to rebuild the bridges with my family? That at times it is easier to just be left on the outside? That way this half knowing/ not knowing about whats going on wouldn’t hurt so much. This whole blog post seems angsty, and I should just stop now before I get too maudlin about things.
January 7th- January 10th -So, my last post for these was the 6th, but a lot has happened since then, and while I could have acknowledged each day independently I didn’t and this post is meant as a catch up.
Monday, the 7th I finally was able to call the vet and get an appt for my hurting pup, Herne. I was grateful, that day, that they were able to see us on Tuesday, and that we didn’t have to wait any longer. I was also grateful for my friend who was able to bring me some doggy downers to help keep Herne immobile until we could get him seen. It was just instinct for the Dragon and I to keep him off his feet, but Tuesday when we saw the vet that is exactly what she recommended.
Tuesday the 8th, we made the drive out the vet. This is a new one for us, and we were nervous. Our last vet made the both of us feel weird, and we could tell he judged us for having tattoo’s and body piercings. It probably wasn’t helped by his being a big ol’ christian, and it being very apparent that we were not, so we didn’t want to go back to him. This new vet came highly recommended, and whats more she was a lot cheaper than any of the vets in town. Only thing is she is in a small town about 20 minutes away. The drive out there, though, was quicker than trying to go from one end of my town to the other during any of the high traffic times, so that was good. When we got there, they immediately got us in the exam room. The vet came in, and I was struck by her energy, spirit, and her willingness to get down on Herne’s level rather then having us try and hoist his 80 lb, and in pain self up on the exam table. The whole drive out there we were worried it was something really bad, like a dislocated hip, but after the exam she was able to pinpoint it as his knee being out, and a tendon being torn. She prescribed some serious meds to keep him knocked out, and off his feet, so the knee could heal. This needs to go for 8 weeks, and thank goodness she made sure we had enough meds to do so. She also recommended a large dog cage/crate for him, so if we had to leave him home alone he would be sequestered and not able to stand, or walk around.
Well, we don’t have a large cage or crate. So, upon arriving home, and after getting Herne drugged up, and settled in we started making phone calls. Another point of gratitude is that my bestie, the ever resourceful hobag, found one for me, that we can borrow for the full 8 weeks, and all it will cost us is a few home cooked meals. So, the fear of having to put down my other dog in what seems really too soon to me after Keyzer, was ripping me apart. I have yet to truly get over the loss of my dear, sweet, white wolf boy, ( the pain is such that I still can’t really write about the day we sat with him and let him go) and to have to make the same decision about Herne, well I am just so utterly grateful I did not, and he is going to get better. I am grateful there are people willing to help someone they don’t even know because we have a shared love of animals. These are my main things to be grateful about, the whole situation with my pup turning out better than I had hoped, and the people willing to help us get him better, and up and around. The remaining bits of gratitude come from having a great landlord, and that is something I’m learning is a rarity these days.
We have lived in this house for seven years, and in that time we have had to replace a fair number of things, this includes the entire heating duct work, as there was a major gas leak, and it is still a wonder we didn’t all blow up due to it. During that repair time the frig also went out, and that was replaced, as well. We have a new A/c unit out back, and this time when the Dragon called to have a maintenance guy come check out or tub, he was told by the office manager that we are some of their favorite tenants. The issue with the tub got fixed, and there is a chance due to a burner going out that we may get a new stove, as well. I know this last bit may seem minor, but to the Dragon and I their prompt response when we call, and their willingness to let us do minor repairs on our own really makes this a great living situation. We are lucky in who we rent from, and we know from past experience they could be a lot worse.
These past few days have been some really emotional ones for the Dragon and I, since we consider our animals a part of the family, so knowing things are gonna be OK, well that really does the heart good. Also knowing we have landlords that value us as tenants, well that is just a bit of feel good that capped off this week.
January 6, 2013 - Tonight I have so much gratitude for my husband. The Dragon, and I have a lot of things in common, but probably the more endearing is our love for cheesy movies. Tonight we watched “Iron Sky”, and we loved it. It was a spoof of quite a few different types of movie, and had some gorgeous CGI bits in it. Afterwards, I looked up what the rest of the intertubes thought of it, and found that it was not as popular with the rest of the viewing populous. The Dragon and I, though, we loved it! I recommend anyone who likes cheesy movies, WWII movies, or alien/SCI_FI invasions stories to at least give it a chance.
January 5, 2013- This one isn’t really one about gratitude, but more about acceptance. My poor pup, Herne, is not getting any better. He is still hurting, and I have to call Monday morning, and see if I can get him into the vet. I hate the feeling of failure that I am currently experiencing. I hate that for lack of money we couldn’t go the day he hurt himself, I hate that we have had to beg from our friends meds for our dog, I hate that it makes me feel like the worst dog parent ever, but most I just hate to see the hurt in his eyes. Herne has been with us for almost 10 years, he is such a goofy guy, and this being kept still due to his injury is so hard on him, and me. What I am attempting to remember is the pup we first rescued. The pup who wasn’t sure about the Dragon, and who just wanted loves. Herne had a rough life before he came to us, and I hope the last ten years have in some way made up for it, and I have to accept that we have done the very best that we can. Whatever the vet tells us tomorrow we have given Herne all the love and affection possible, and I know this is what I must remember. I hope against hope that the vet tells us it is just gonna take time, and healing. I am worried, though, that this will not be the case, and that I will soon be telling one of my dearest friends good-bye. I accept what is to come, and I will hold gratitude in my heart that I got to spend the last ten years with this goof ball. I will still wish fiercely for longer, but I will find peace with whatever decision needs to be made. I must do this for the Dragon, the other fur-kids in the house, and most of all for Herne, and me.
January 4th, 2013 Today was spent laughing. First, lunch with some of my former coworkers from when I tutored writing at the C. College. We were there for over two hours, and the impromptu roast of Saucy Jack, the one we all had gathered to see was hilarious. My sides still ache from the merriment. Second, this evening I had some quet time by myself, while the Dragon napped, and dinner simmered away in the crock pot. An excellently spicy BBQ chicken with a carolina mustard sauce I whipped up from scratch! Finally tonight, we watched bad fan films, and did our own versions of MST3K. So much laughter today I will sleep soundly tonight.
So, I am already falling behind on my jar of gratitude project. I will have those back-posted here in a bit, but I am sitting here listening to music, the far away sounds from outside, and the various low sounds from around the house. Herne, my poor hurting pup, is at my feet zonked out on pain meds while his leg/knee hopefully heal. The Dragon is sleeping in the other room, Number One stepson is gaming, and Number two stepson is at work. There is the amazing aroma of bbq chicken in the air. The crockpot is plugged in, and making my mouth water.
I’m hoping 2013 is a better year then last, but even then I can’t totally hate on 2012. I graduated, finally, from the community college I was attending, and will be going on to finish at the local state university. That was something that seemed forever impossible, and not for lack of trying. It seemed Eris, in all her delight, wanted to keep throwing stones, and causing me to stumble. Sometimes when I looked at the events of the last year it makes me think of one of those scrolling video games that always has stuff rolling in from the right side to knock you off your feet when you were least expecting it.
I graduated, and we learned Mom has cancer. Well that’s a fucking kick in the rubber pants now isn’t it? I got a job that allows me to go back to school, and make a bit more money, which will allow me to have insurance. Only issue is that the Dragon is still not covered, and it may be awhile before we can afford it for both of us. The person with no debilitating diseases is covered, but the person who has long term illnesses can’t get any relief for his situation. We are the classic ” fall through the cracks” kinda couple.
I sometimes feel like I should have been born under the sign Libra, what with the scales and all. Eris is determined to not allow me too much abundance, but then she also keeps me from being completely without, so there is that…
I’ve passed enough time on the day to day, and should at least draft up my Jars of Gratitude for the last few days. Soon, the Dragon will be up from his nap, and we shall game- the Jedi will rue crossing these two Sith.
January 3rd, 2013 – Today was full of good food, and friends. Spent the morning with the Dragon. Went to lunch with January Solstice, and Professor J. and that was a total delight! There is a place in town that serves a Korean fusion cuisine based on the hot pot style of cooking, and OHMYGODDESS, was it good! While there, and due to my checking us in on the FB- I was surprised to see a friend from high school walk in, and come over to say Hi. We hadn’t really seen each other in 20 or so years, but he still made an effort to stop by, and say hello since I was just next to his offices. That sorta blew me away. Spent the evening with the Dragon, and Pirate Brent discussing the various fandoms that hold us in their thrall, and ended the night with gaming until neither of us could keep our eyes open.
January 2nd, 2013- I could say that I did a whole bunch of meaningful stuff on this second day of January, but all we did was be. Sometimes that is the best part of the day when you can just BE.
We gamed, we talked, we napped, we unfortunately ate some crappy food that made us both feel, well, crappy. Hence the nap. We just enjoyed each others company the Dragon and I did, and I am so grateful for it.
New year, new rituals to strengthen oneself
I’ve been seeing a certain craft idea circulating around the web about keeping a mason jar of gratitude, and I decided that was something that I could do here, just as easily. I’d rather have this digital record keeping of the good things from 2013 than to have a mason jar full of scraps of scribbled texts. I just don’t have the room for that in my tiny, lacking of ample and proper shelf space, little house. So, I will create such a thing here, and shall attempt to dutifully record the bits of my day that were the best, so at the end of the year I can look back and remember. I am amused to think they may go like the first one below. I am a creature of simple habits anymore, and my most favorite thing to do is spend time with my beloved Dragon. Still there may be some surprising entries at the end of the year, so an interesting experiment I think.
The Jar Project
January 1, 2013
- I am thankful for the time I got to spend doing absolutely nothing that smacked of being responsible. I spent the whole day with my Dragon, and it was blissful. Since we no longer drink like we used to do, neither of us had a hangover this morning, and except for eating too much last nights festivities were low key, and spent with some of the best friends a girl could have. All in all 1-1-13 has been a good day.